Reality Splinter

Mo-thing better to do with my time

So, I’m taking part in Mo-vember

I have so far been compared to a villain from a silent movie

...2007 Swiss Eurovision entrant; DJ Bobo

...and a greasy footballer.

All I know is that I look ridiculous.

If you want to help keep me this way then please go HERE, select “sponsor a mo” and enter the rego – 150046

The Prostate Cancer Foundation of New Zealand thanks you but I do not.

Bacon-Nation*

My good friend Aran/Big Gay Al/Wal discovered the miracle of modern chemistry that is Bacon Salt.

He was so impressed with the idea of being able to make everything taste like bacon that he brought 15 jars of this magic dust and was kind enough to send some down to Phil and I. Since then, the three of us have been conducting scientific tests that have taken us right to the limits of culinary knowledge. We have stared into the eyes of the Gods McDonald, Fogle and Sanders and laughed in their faces.

As a public service announcement I present the results of the first round of “Baconated” experiments:

• Baconated toast - Bad.
• Baconated corn fritters - Good.
• Baconated nachos - Also good.
• Baconated chicken chips - Very bad. These are so much worse than I had imagined
• Baconated salt and vinegar chips with roasted garlic and onion dip - Good, like spare ribs.
• Baconated sauerkraut - Beschissenb
• Baconated baguette - Kinda weird, not really good.
• Baconated jam - Bad.
• Baconated mince pie (beef) - Good but salty.
• Baconated popcorn - Good.
• Baconated lettuce - Bad.
• Baconated crab stick sushi - Better than crab stick, but not as good as bacon. I’m going with ‘OK’ on this combo.
• Baconated coffee – Bad.
• Baconated cheese scone – Good.
• Baconated last night’s pizza – Disappointing.
• Baconated tea – About the same as Baconated coffee.
• Baconated strawberry – Bad.
• Baconated peanuts - Very good
• Baconated chocolate – Bad.
• Baconated mince pie (Christmas) - Devil’s underpants
• Baconated corn fritters (2^nd test) - Really good.
• Baconated bacon - Not as good as you might expect, but still good. Next time will just cook more bacon.

*All credit must go to Phil for the title of this entry

Seven Kinds of Stupid

I’ve got a first class honours degree and understand the basics of quantum physics but I still feel like the dumbest guy on the planet when I print out a document in portrait instead of landscape.

*Spoiler Alert*

futureme.org allows you to write an email and then postdate the day of sending. So I wrote the email below and then set it to be sent to me a year later.

Dear FutureMe,

You're sitting here typing this letter when you should be doing other stuff. The board report is still waiting, Sales Guys are hounding you for formatting jobs and the Sales conference is 8 days away. You better be in a position you're enjoying and not just going through the daily grind like you are at the moment. You're coming up to the first anniversary of the marriage to the Wonderful Roo so if you haven't already, you need to move your butt and organise something kickass for that. Your hair should be very Orlando Bloom by now; if not why did you wimp out you wus. After making Roo happy the centre of your life should be writing. 'History' should be well on its way by now. If not, why not? Its the thing you enjoy the most and (B) it'll get you closer to a life you love. Remember in 5th year how you used to say to Roo - "Today is the best day of my life" - Well, that is what you should be striving for

If some of this has not happened this year, it's okay. Take deep cleansing breaths, look up at the ceiling and count to ten. Re-read the list and see if it still matters. Remember that you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. Then start over and make things better. You can do so many things. Start it all by having an incredible summer.

Walk on, walk tall,
PastYou

This arrived on the 8th of October 2006. It’s taken me just over a year longer than planned but today I started a new job I’m fairly sure I will enjoy. I organised something fairly great for our one-year anniversary (still need to finish planning our second anniversary) and my hair is (after a couple of false starts) getting Bloom-tastic. The part that still seems a way off is History – the working title of a thing I’m writing - but I’m hoping that finding the energy to write (and winning the war of art) will be easier with work less of a grind.

I still can’t quite go to sleep at night saying “I’ve never been happier” but I’m not far off. I feel like I’ve got the big things right (job, hair and relationship) so now I just need to fix the small bits (nasal hair, my lawn mowing technique, finding a decent muffin recipe…) because, every now-and-then, at the back of my mind I hear Tyler muttering, “This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

In which our hero finds himself getting all meta

You know those moments you have when you realise that not everyone else behaves the way you do? Maybe this is one of those moments for me right now? Perhaps no-one else has moments when they realise that no-one else a moment when they realise that not every one behaves the same way you do?

Any-hoo, I have a stock phrase that I use as shorthand for “something obscure and high brow”. For a long time it was “Mesopotamian basket weaving”*. An example would be discussing what papers someone should take at university and I’d finish with, “…and then you’d have 6 points you can use as an interest paper. Do a course in Mesopotamian basket weaving or something just to take your mind off dentistry for a while.”

For as long as I can remember, it’s been my stock phrase that I’d pull off the shelf when I needed a eccentric example at the end of a sentence. Then, last week, Robyn stayed a day extra in Auckland to spend time with our friend Simran while I had to get back to work. Some how it came up in conversation at work that Robs had stayed up north to spend time with a friend and the interlocutor asked, “So, what are they doing today?” I responded with a flippant, “I don’t know, shopping or something.”

The moment it came out I realised how dumb and chauvinistic I had sounded (even though Robs and Simran had talked about going shopping before I left) so I quickly back peddled and came up with, “…Or not. They could easily be sitting in a café, drinking espresso while discussing nineteen-fifties Peruvian architecture.” (Interesting side bar, they didn’t actually go shopping but rather woke up late after too much Sangria the night before and had brunch in a nearby café so my second prediction was actually closer to the button though I doubt the topic of the Capitol Building in La Paz Lima ever arose as they sipped their trim flat whites). No idea where it came from or whether there was anything significant about architecture in Peru in the 50’s that would warrant a discussion but now “nineteen-fifties Peruvian architecture” as usurped “Mesopotamian basket weaving” as my random, far-fetched intelligentsia example of choice.

I used it on myself while walking back from lunch the other day – “Idiot, did you think she was talking about nineteen-fifties Peruvian architecture?” – and I suddenly realised that it’s unlikely that it’s normal to chastise yourself internally and I don’t suppose that most people have stock examples that they’re aware off and keep up their sleeve in case of a metaphoric emergency. Either way, I think I’m going to stop thinking (writing?) about this as it’s not like I'm an expert on nineteen-fifties Peruvian architecture or anything.

*Yes, I realise that my short-hand phrase is longer than the phrase it’s replaced.

A ginger beer and a taco

I just found out that Kula Shaker is releasing a new album. I'm sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Even stranger is that a "Best of" album coming out that includes every track the 'band' has previously released. Surely that then also makes it a "Worst of" album.

The next thing you know they be denying the existence of Taiwan

Take a look at this and then come back. Don’t worry I’ll wait.

It is obviously ridiculous in any number of ways. Even if you ignore the Emperor’s New Groove jokes (“Yay, I’m a llama again”) my favourite part is the fact that it only comes into effect on September 1st, as if the Chinese Government is a shifty landlord giving notice to the current tenants to vacate the property.

And what happens when the current Dali Lama, assuming he survives until the end of August, dies without gaining all the official paperwork that’s necessary for him to come back? Is he stuck in some kind of ethereal detention centre or does he have the opportunity to try and sneak across the boarder in the back of a sympathetic Hindu’s truck?

If nothing else, the fact that China has felt the need to legislate the ins and outs of something intangible as reincarnation is surely proof, if any were needed, that they’re well on the way to becoming a fully functional Democratic nation.

Who'd have thought canned meat could be so tasty?

I don’t have an issue with the amount of spam I receive, maybe 2 or 3 emails a day, and the filter on the always excellent Gmail catches them and shuffles them directly into the spam folder. The problem is that the little web daemons that send this stuff out have got so very good at creating emails that I want to open. The titles always sound like things I’d like to do:

“Relax and Take the Time” – Who wouldn’t like to relax and take the time? I don’t know what it is that I’d be taking the time for but in the hectic modern world I’m willing to bet that it strikes a chord with most people. Click to open… Cialis. Hmmm, not really what I was after.

“It may strengthen your relationship with your partner” – Is it a step-by-step guide to improved inter-marital communication? News about an exclusive couples nature retreat? I’d even be interested in a cheap mobile plan… Oh, Cialis. We meet again.

“Join the Millions” – I don’t want to miss out on the next big thing so I’ll just have a quick look… Cialis. I should have seen that coming shouldn’t I?

What ever happened to the good old fashioned, “Do you want a larger P5n1s?” At least you knew where you stood with spam who’s biggest achievement was managing to spell Viagra with more numbers than letters.

And then to really top it off, the emails are all supposedly from people with names so interesting that I’m briefly excited to be receiving communications from them. Charlie Choi sounds like a world-renowned concert Bassoonist. Isiah Ortega and Burl Crocker could easily be part of the starting defensive line for the Miami Dolphins. Polly Ott, Lindsay X. Hannah and Monty Ham I’m pretty sure are members of the nextwave organ-punk revival band Patrick Duffy’s Ghost.

But the one, more than all the others that I hope exists somewhere is Orlando Woodruff. Whether he’s a minor character on the Simpsons, a struggling sous chef working for tips on the Lower East Side or the commander of an underground vigilante group, committed to wiping out over-sized corporate art in all it forms I really hope he exists. If you know him, or know someone who does, maybe you could drop him my email address.

Speed Racer

So we have a car. It’s purple and so, obviously, her name is Kumi.

Okay so maybe not obviously but it certainly made sense in our heads. Perhaps this will help: Japan + Purple = Kumi?

Fine, I’ll try using smaller sentences; Kumara are purple. The car is purple. Kumi is a contraction of Kumara. The car is purple. Kumi is a Japanese name. The car is Japanese. Kumi seems to fit the car. The car is still purple. Therefore, Kumi.

Sometimes explaining things makes it worse, not better.

Happiness is a warm book

As haunting me has yet to break my spirit, it appears that Cat Stevens has called in some favours owed to him in the literary world. I happened by the always excellent Unity Books and the latest offerings from Messrs Eggers, Chambon, Palahniuk and Ondaatje were all displayed next to each other like a quartet of sirens standing at the edge of a financial Charybdis. I wanted to sweep them all in my arms and run from the shop. I have little enough time to read the book currently in my man-bag, let alone another four, but there’s something about owning new books that fills me with glee.

The walls of our home are testament to this. Bookshelves are filled two deep and we’ve had to employ bookends on what little available flat surfaces we have in the living room. Yet Robyn and I will keep on adding to our library. I have few plans to re-read more than a handful of the titles but things would have to get fairly dire before I’d contemplate getting rid of any of them.

I get a strange combination of comfort and safety while reading. This effect is then multiplied when seated in a well-stocked study or den. So you can see how the prospect of adding to our hoard is appealing at the best of times and the levels rise to an intoxicating level when it’s not just four new books but an armful of new additions that I know I’ll enjoy. And then turn it up to eleven as there’s a good chance that, based on the authors' past efforts, I’ll love at least one of them.

You’ll be happy to know that there is a happy ending as I left the store without any new paperback acolytes. That said, my resolve is sure to fold in the next couple of days as I just received a 20% off voucher for Borders.

Well played Mr Stevens.